From:
South of Jewfish Creek

Dear Friend & Subscriber,

QUESTION: How do you make God laugh?

ANSWER: Tell him your plans for the future.

I am in the midst of madness. My last issue was also written from Key West and here's part of what I wrote:

I forgot. God doesn't want Gary to be "happy-as-a-pig-in-shit." God has chosen Gary to be a low-rent version of a modern-day Job and, if Gary's happy meter gets to registering too high, God seems to feel compelled to take corrective action... like...

Send In A Hurricane!

Three weeks ago, I'm just starting to get settled. I haven't even got all my boxes unpacked from my move from Miami Beach back to the Keys. The weather man keeps pointing to a multi-colored snarl on the weather map on the tube. It's getting closer to Florida.

And closer. And closer.

When it gets to the point where the "strike probability" of where it hits land is 99%... that... it will hit exactly where I live, I decide to scoot. But, my car is in the shop. No cars to rent. They're all taken. No plane seats to buy so I can fly out. They're all taken. What's left? A trusty Greyhound bus, that's what. I dispatch Mongo, my current cohort to go to the Greyhound station. He phones me, "Gary, the bus didn't stop. It just zipped right by."

The next one zips by too. But, this time, says Mongo, the driver at least waved. We decide to give up. But, lo and behold, the third bus does stop. Mongo calls to alert me to be standing at the side of the road (A1A), he gets on the bus, the bus then stops for me, and... we boogie to Miami.

At Miami, I try to get another bus but nobody wants to take the time to talk with me. I go into my Frank Rizzo routine, scream, yell and terrorize everyone at the Greyhound station. Finally, one of the Greyhound workers allows as how there's a car rental place half-a-mile from the bus station. Mongo and I heft our luggage and carry it out into the sauna of a September afternoon in Florida, trudge half-a-mile and finally rent a Lincoln Town Car.

We then take the Turnpike and head straight up the middle of the State. We decide to stop running in the thriving metropolis of a town called "Okeechobee" (all the characters from "King of the Hill" live here) and get two of the only motel rooms left between Miami and Orlando. By the way, a curious thing happened as we were checking in. The guy at the desk gets a call, rolls his eyes heavenward and says, "No Ma'am, I'm sorry. We do not have a pool."

Think about it: Thousands of cars are clogging the highways as people flee the coming storm. The airways are filled with emergency alerts and instructions. Entire families are reduced to staying in a single motel room. The storm looms closer, closer, closer. And here's this daffy bitch, so unconscious of what's happening around her, she wants to know...

"Does The Hotel Have A Pool?"

"No Ma'am. It don't. But don't you worry. In two more days the whole damn State will be... nothing but one big pool."

Well, the hurricane comes to my enchanted islands, squats over them and savages every square foot with hurricane force winds... that last for 20 hours!

I'm sorry God. I beg your forgiveness. No more wriggling my toes in the scrub and marl and being happy-as-a-pig-in-shit. From now on, Misery Is My Motto!

Oooh, a mosquito just bit me! Notice that God? That sucked a little, didn't it? Oh nuts, my contact lenses are drying out and my eyes are getting irritated and scratched. Are you watching this God? It's at least a little bit of a bummer, right? And hey, that spot on my jawline did turn out to be skin cancer (a basil cell carcinoma) and I had to have it removed. That counts for something, doesn't it? My cats Amigo and Tiger were so traumatized by the storm, I had to relocate both of them and actually had to hospitalize Amigo. That's nowhere near "happy-as-a-pig-in-shit." I swear.

I know. I know. These are all minor annoyances. But thousands of people just south of me still don't have electricity and... hundreds of them... have lost their entire homes. Look Lord, I don't mean to tell you your business. But, you think maybe you could see fit to give us folks who live down here "South of Jewfish Creek" a breather?

Thank you. Amen.

All of which brings me full circle to repeat something else I wrote last month:

Howzabout I give you an update on that little dealybop? First, almost everybody who took me up on that deal is already in profit over and above the $3,700 they had to pay me for the consultation! Why? Simply because this trading system works like a Swiss watch. It is the best way to make money I've ever discovered and I've decided to devote quite a bit of time here to tell you why.

First, you can work from anywhere.

Secondly, you have no boss or superiors to report to.

Thirdly, you have no employees to be responsible for.

Fourthly, you don't have to manufacture anything, assemble anything, pack anything, ship anything or even... write anything!

You don't ever have to make a refund. There's no inventory required. Add it all up and, this way of making money is spelled...

F-R-E-E-D-O-M !

Basically, all I teach my students is (1) where to get the absolute freshest, late-breaking news, (2) how to interpret that news, and (3) how to act on that news.

What happens is, they are alerted to several hundred 100% fresh news stories every day, learn how to scan the headlines in a flash, how to click on the headlines that look promising,  check out to see if the story is about a publicly-traded company, how to make an instant purchase of shares in that company, how to watch the price of those shares of stock change... in real time... and... how to sell and take their profit.

My students can make 15 or more profitable trades per day... and...

They Never Hold On To
Any Stock More Than
50 Minutes!

Look, I'm not going to teach you here in this newsletter what I teach my "telephonic students" about trading stocks. However, I am going to teach you part of what I teach them because it is relevant to whatever you use a computer for, even if you don't trade stocks.

Listen up: The worst thing about working on a computer is the horrible amount of "waiting time" you have to endure. How many millions of man-hours have been wasted while people watch that little pyramid spin around or wait for that stupid little hour glass to disappear?

Hell, it's not millions of hours, it's billions... or maybe... trillions!

Hark unto me: Almost always, the weakest link in the speed at which your computer works is the modem. Modem speed is measured in kilobytes per second or "K's." Think of "K's" as miles per hour or MPH for your computer. If you have an older computer, it probably is operating with a 14K modem. If your PC is relatively new, you probably have a 28K modem. Almost every new computer on the market comes with a state-of-the-art 56K telephone modem. Having a 56K modem doesn't mean your computer will run at 56K's. It simply means it has the capability of running at 56K's... if... everything else is optimized.

Whatever. After you read this newsletter, I want you to call your local cable TV company and see if they can hook you up with a cable modem for your PC. If they can... GET IT!

As I said, the fastest telephone modem you can get allows you the possibility of operating at 56,000 kilobytes per second. A cable modem gives you the possibility of operating at 1,600,000 kilobytes per second. That gives your computer the possibility of running 28.57 times faster. In reality, a cable modem will make your computer run 1,000 times faster... because... the info is traveling on a great, big wide cable freeway... instead of... a clogged-up, telephonic, pot-holed back road. You probably won't be able to get a cable modem. They are expanding this service as fast as possible but, availability is still a long shot for any particular geographic location.

But, check into it anyway. All it'll cost you is a phone call and you might hit the jackpot.

If not, go to a website located at www.direcpc.com and read all the data you find there. What you'll discover is, if there is a clear line of sight (from the top of the building where your computer is located) to the south... you can... for a lousy $300.00 get yourself a satellite modem... which will... make your PC run as much as 50 times faster.

If that doesn't work for you, call your telephone company and tell them you want an ISDN line for your computer. What an ISDN line is, (when you take the technobabel out of it) is simply four phone lines smucked into one. Get one of these dedicated to your PC and it will operate much, much faster.

MORE:  If you are really serious about using your PC, get yourself a geek to strip it down. Get rid of almost all the programs they loaded your computer up with when you bought it... including... the anti-virus program. (You really don't need it but, I don't have time to tell you why right now.) Anyway, what this is like... is... taking a car you intend to race... and... taking all the junk out of the trunk, making the porkers in the back seat get out and walk... and... getting rid of everything else that will slow down the speed of the car. (Including all the seats except the one you need to sit in.)

Also, if you are not on AOL, sign up for it. Not because it's the best... but... because it's the most widely used. That way, if you and I are ever discussing something to do with computers, I can say, "See that quote icon on the top of your tool bar? I want you to click on that." It's like, if I were teaching you trigonometry by phone, we'd both be needing to use the same textbook so I could say in effect, "Turn to page 318 and read paragraph three."

IMPORTANT NOTE: AOL has an 800 number you can use to access the service for $6.00 an hour. I nearly always use it. It's never clogged up because PC users, by and large, are too moronically cheap to pay the fee. They'll waste hours staring at that stupid blue triangle going round and round but, they won't shell out the few extra fungolas to drive on the turnpike.

Should you use AOL's 800#? (By the way, it's 1-800-716-0023.) I don't know. I guess it all depends how much your time is worth. If your time ain't worth six bucks an hour, stay on your slow-assed, clogged-up, local telephone line.

RAM: Get as much of it as your computer will take. RAM (Random Access Memory) is crucial to making your computer work efficiently. It fits into slots inside your computer and it looks like the reeds of a harmonica when you remove the outside plates. RAM is cheap. You can get more of it (and have it installed) at almost any computer store.

Pig out on it. Jam as much RAM as you can into your machine.

Finally, if you don't already have a computer and you're looking to get one, do not shop for a bargain. Choose between a Gateway GP6-333 ($1,799), a Dell XPR 350 or the top-of-the-line Compaq or IBM. You also may want to consider an NEC Direction SPB 400, with a 400 MHz Intel Pentium II chip, a 6.4 GB hard drive, 17-inch monitor and 56K modem.

You can get any of the above PC's for $2,000... whereas... if you try to go the cheap-ass route, you'll be struggling to get a shit machine for around $1,000. You know what? If you learn what I teach my telephone students about trading stocks, you'll be able to make $1,000 to $7,000 or $8,000 several times per day with just the click of a mouse.

Think about it: Do you really want to cripple your ability to do this because you are too stupid and too cheap to get yourself the high quality tools you need?

	Sincerely,
	Gary C. Halbert