From:
South Of Jewfish Creek
Tuesday, 3:16 p.m.
September 2, 2003

Dear Friend & Subscriber,

If you are interested in making substantial website profits, this will be one of the most important newletters you will ever read.

Hark unto me: A website is defined as a distinct location on the Internet identified by an IP (Internet Provider) address". Here are the number of websites on the Internet during the last few years:

The numbers aren't in for 2003 (that's this year in case you are into serious substance abuse) but, I think it's safe to say there are now at least 10,000,000 websites on the Internet, wouldn't you agree?

What's that? You say you don't agree? Well then, why don't you go piss up a rope, you low I.Q. shit weasel? (Lighten up, Buckwheat, I'm just trying to keep your attention.)

Anyway, websites are ranked by how many visitors they get. Yahoo! usually gets more visits than any other website so, most days it is ranked the number one website on the Internet. On most days, Passport.net gets the second most hits so, it is ranked the number two website on the Internet. Actually, today Passport.net is ranked #4. Here, for your edification are the 100 top websites as they are ranked today, which as I write this, is near the end of August, 2003. (NOTE: To be absolutely clear, these are the top 100... ENGLISH Language... websites):

Where do you get info like this? It's easy. Just go to:

www.Alexa.com

This is a free website which ranks other websites, mainly according to how much traffic (visitors) each one gets. My website (www.TheGaryHalbertLetter.com) ranking goes way up whenever I post a new monthly newsletter. Recently, I posted a new letter on my site and my ranking was 2,120 from the top. That means, on that day (actually it was for 2 or 3 days) there were only 2,119 websites (out of 10 million) which were receiving more visitors than me. And, an awful lot of them were search engines, travel websites where you can buy e-tickets (for air travel, you dummy) and stuff like that.

However, my average daily traffic ranking for the lasts 3 months is 12,504. That means, out of 10 million websites, I am, on any given day, ranked...

Ahead Of 9,987,436
Of Those Websites!

Do you have a website? If so, you can go to www.Alexa.com and type in the name of your site (or any other site) and see where your site (or any other site) is ranked.

Are you familiar with Ken McCarthy, Mark Joyner, Mike Enlow, Alex Mandossian, Ted Ciuba, Michael Penland, Joel Christopher, Jonathan Mizel, Fred Gleeck or Jeffrey Lant?

All of these people claim to be Internet/website experts, whom, if you cross their palms with silver, will teach you the "tricks" of getting a lot more traffic to your website... and... how to make your site much more profitable.

Would it not be interesting to check out the websites owned by all these "experts" on www.Alexa.com and see where they rank? Just for the hell of it, I think I'll give it a shot:

As you can see, most of these "experts" are ranked so far down from the peak of the mountain...

They Can't Even
See The Top!

But, what about those others whose rankings are somewhat less than horrible? Unfortunately, many of those low rankings are phony. Let's say we've got a website expert who has a website named www.InternetScammer.com. Well, what a lot of these guys do is offer (as a part of their service) to set up a free website for you. All they really do is add you to their own website and, your address becomes something like this:

www.InternetScammer.com/WebsiteVirgin#1

And their next victim gets his own website also. The address of this next victim would be something like:

www.InternetScammer.com/WebsiteVirgin#2

And so on. OK, let's say this "website expert" signs up 500 clients like this. And, let's say some of them are less than idiots and they actually do get some traffic. ALL of that traffic from ALL of those 500 clients is counted as traffic to the main site (www.InternetScammer.com).

Which, of course, makes him look much better when you check out his ranking on Alexa.

Comprende?

Onward. What if you've got no product? Many of these "experts" will graciously allow you to sell their products.

No sales pitch? No problem. Many of these outstanding people will let you use their sales pitches to sell their products! Can you guess why they don't sell their products themselves? Simply put...

They Don't Know How!

All they are (most of them) are MLM scammers who have discovered the Internet.

Let's check out what somebody who really knows his shit can do. Not long ago, I got an e-mail from Leonard Fumarto who said he was putting together a book on Internet marketing. The way he was doing it was, he was interviewing all the top Internet "experts" he could find and publishing each of those interviews as a separate chapter in his book. He wanted to do this with me and he sent me his book (which was nearly finished) so I could evaluate it.

The book was pure shit. All the experts had the same advice. They started with some vapid suggestions like 'write down all your hobbies and stuff you like to do. Then, write down a list of your goals. Then, spend a couple days walking on the beach or in the woods... and... determine what you would REALLY like to do most.'

After all that, the "expert" would say you should go to his website at www.PhonyExpert.com and...

Spend A Lot Of Money Buying
E-Books, Tapes and Videos From
Him Which Will Tell You How To
Become Rich With Your Website!

Anyway, I e-mailed back Leonard Fumarto and told him I didn't think much of his book and I wasn't interested... even though... he was going to let me sell his book to my own customers and keep 70% of the money from the sales.

He sent me back a rather vicious e-mail telling me he had just returned from a meeting with the top website experts in the world... and... all of them... agreed I was a worthless piece of shit who was too dumb to even sit in front of a keyboard.

God, I Hope That's True!

Do you know how much it sucks to be praised by people you despise?

Whatever. A few days pass and then I get an e-mail from another guy asking me to endorse another book to my own list. I wrote back how I never endorse anything I am not completely passionate about... and how... I wasn't passionate at all about his book because I had never read it nor was I even aware of its existence.

This guy e-mailed me a shitty message about my conceit, arrogance and attitude. Which (foolishly) I replied to suggesting he create something of substance and sell it himself by the unique method of telling the truth about what he had created.

This set off a non-stop series of the most vicious e-mails I have ever received. They kept coming and coming and this insane shit weasel (God, I love to write 'shit weasel') was even threatening to kill me.

So, I decided to do the only sane thing I could think of... which was...

To Arrange To Have A Small Group
Of Muscular, Pigment-Impaired, Young
Gentlemen Give Him A Graduate
Education In The AEP!*

Fortunately, before I put my plan into action, I had a talk with my friend Scott ("Mongo") Haines. He told me he didn't believe my vicious e-mails were coming from the book author named Terrance Leednaught. He said I'd better check with Mr. Leednaught to make sure he was indeed the author of those e-mails.

So, I put Terrance Leednaught into a search engine which gave me his website which, in turn, gave me his home phone number. I called Mr. Leednaught and it turns out he is an elderly Christian gentlemen who publishes a religious website and who was NOT the author of those awful e-mails. Whoever was the author of those e-mails was obviously hiding behind Mr. Leednaught's name.

So, I asked Rudy (who was working as my assistant until he had to go back to college) to look into this for me. By the way, Rudy is a nice, young Chinese man who, I would guess, is something few of you have ever met. You see, Rudy is...

A Real Geek!

Many people have told you they are real geeks, which means... of course... they are computer literate. All of these people are liars. None of them would make a pimple on a real geek's ass. Here is a clue about the difference between a fake geek and a real geek:

A fake geek will have a computer with a hard drive with about 40 gigabytes.

A real geek (like Rudy) has a computer with...

1.2 Terrabytes!

That means, Rudy's hard drive has the capacity of...

307 Normal Computers!

Rudy is 21-years old and he can do things with a computer which maybe only two or three other people in the world can do. So, I ask him if he can track down the origin of those vicious e-mails. It must have taken Rudy all of about 12 minutes to do it.

Then, I step in with MY expertise. My Uncle Jack (who died recently) was one of the best Morse Code men in the entire world in World War II. He could send and receive Morse Code with lightning speed.

Now, here is a little something most people don't know. (Why should they? After all, most people are idiots).

What most people don't know is, it turns out everyone who sends Morse Code has what's called a "signature fist". What that means is, everyone who sends a Morse Code message taps it out a little differently. And, if you know the sender's "signature fist", you can ascertain his identity instantly.

Guess what? Nobody else is ever going to tell you this... but... everyone who uses a computer has a "signature keyboard fist". For example, when the little finger on my left hand depresses the letter "A" on a computer keyboard, I do it a little harder or a little softer than you do it... or... anyone else in the world does it.

If I use the middle finger of my right hand to reach up to the top of the keyboard and depress "F7", I do it a little slower or a little faster than you or any other person. I also depress the "F1" key a little harder or a little softer than anyone else.

With Morse Code, you can only tap out 26 different letters and the numbers zero through nine. But, on a computer keyboard, there are a trillion, zillion subtle differences. And, if you have a software program which can analyze these differences, you can identify the identity of anyone who has sent you an a-emil message. There are only (to my knowledge) seven of these software programs in the world. As far as I know, even the CIA and NSA don't have one.

But anyway, my Uncle Jack knew many military secrets (he had a top secret clearance) and he took all of his secrets to the grave. But, you know what? Before he died, he gave me a little something he had spent his lifetime perfecting. Only five other people know about it.

Let's shorten this story: When I realized it wasn't Terrance Leednaught sending me those vicious e-mails, I started to suspect it was Leonard Fumarto who was the author of them. I retrieved Uncle Jack's secret software program from its hiding place (all the alphabet agencies in the world could never find it) and check it against Leonard Fumarto's previous e-mails to me. BINGO! He was the author of all those e-mails. It was a more foolproof identity "make" than you can get from fingerprints or DNA.

I got another nasty e-mail from Leonard Fumarto (disguised as Terrance Leednaught) telling me all about the horrible things he was gong to do to me. I e-mailed back to him a message which said something like...

I also cc'd a copy of this message to the real e-mail address of Leonard Fumarto. Leonard e-mailed me back almost immediately declaring his innocence. I e-mailed him back and told him how I KNEW it was him and how the name of my Bimini boat was "No Mercy" because it reflected my personality so accurately.

All this occurred in the evening and I took a couple Ambien and went to bed. As soon as I woke up the next morning, my phone was ringing. It was Leonard Fumarto himself. He told me how I was making a terrible mistake. How he was not the author of those e-mails. And then, I explained in detail how I knew it was him and painted a picture for him of what the rest of his life was going to be like.

He started sobbing. He started begging. He admitted he did it. He tried to explain his actions by telling me how much my rejection of his proposal had hurt him. He begged me (through his sobs) not to ruin his life. He explained how he was only 17-years old and had done all this in a blind, insane rage. He said he would do anything (anything whatsoever) if I would let him off the hook.

I told him to shut up and listen. I told him not to say a single word. Then, I said, "Leonard, I'm hungry and I'm going downstairs to eat breakfast. During my breakfast, we're going to find out how good a copywriter you really are. Here's why: When I come back from breakfast, I am going to have an e-mail from you.

"Now, here's the deal: If there is no e-mail from you... or... I don't believe your e-mail is sincere, I am going to ruin your life and I am going to do it immediately." I hung up and went to breakfast. When I came back, there was an e-mail from Leonard and, I did believe his apology and remorse was sincere. So, I wrote him a brief e-mail which went something like this:

He wrote back, "Thank you, Gary" to which I replied, "You're welcome."

And, that was the end of that.

Why didn't I destroy him? Why didn't I ruin his life? Why have I disguised his name and the name of the man he pretended to be in all those vicious e-mails? In short, why did I let him off the hook?

First, he's just a kid. And, even if he weren't a kid, but was one of those Internet website "experts" mentioned earlier in this newsletter, it would be impossible for him (at any age) to believe a couple guys like Rudy and myself could be 100,000 times more technologically savvy than him or anyone he had ever seen, heard or read about.

If I told you the truth about what Rudy can do with a computer, it would make you (even if you are an "Alpha Geek") feel like an idiot.

If I told you what I can do with a computer (and I told you the 100% truth) you would be afraid of me for the rest of your life. You would always be in fear I might turn my expertise against you. Which, unless you are the scum of the earth, is never going to happen.

But, there's another much more important reason I let this guy off the hook. You see, when somebody wrongs you, I think the best thing and the most utilitarian thing you can do for yourself is...

Forgive Them!

I'm not perfect at this but, I am getting better.

Anyway, all of the above was written to try to convince you that when it comes to computers... maybe, just maybe... me and a very small group of friends of mine might know a few little secrets which you don't know. I'll never teach you nor anyone else the secrets of what I just wrote. But, I'll you what, if you'll come meet me in Miami on October 3rd, 4th and 5th (that's a Friday, Saturday and Sunday), me, Rudy and a small select group of my friends will teach you...

How To Make More Money With
A Computer Than Any Sane Person
Could Possibly Spend!

Have I got your attention yet? If not, go back to watching your favorite "Survivor" show on TV. But, if I do have your attention, keep reading.

If you think what I've already written is hot, just wait until you read the money-making secrets of "for real" computer profits... which... I have finally (after much agonizing debate in my mind) decided I'm going to tell you about.

Let's get started: The first thing I'm going to teach you is how to take out full-page ads in almost every newspaper in America (to promote your website)...

For No Cost Whatsoever!

And, this is not some bullshit free publicity deal either. Nor is it theory. It's real, it works, it's free, it's proven... and... I personally invented it and have tested it.

You know, I can hardly believe I'm going to reveal this and other secrets just as valuable. Maybe I'm an idiot. But, as Dan Kennedy so cruelly pointed out, maybe I'm just so damn old now, if I don't get these secrets off my chest, I'll explode... and... I'll take them to my grave while leaving all the rest of you staggering about like blind mice trying to escape a maze.

Shit, we can't have that now, can we? So, here's another little secret I'm going to reveal about how to make fungolas with your PC. (You know, I wish at least some of you had the brains to figure out a little of this for yourself.)

Ah whatever, here's the second thing I'm going to reveal. If you already have a profitable website, I'm going to teach you...

How To Increase Your Website Profits
By 1,000% To 1,500% By Making A Simple
Change Which Will Cost You Only
20-Minutes Of Your Time!

"What the hell?!" Did you say you've been in the Internet computer business for 20-years and you don't believe me? Listen, Dummy, this is Gary C. Halbert talking and what I say I can do, I CAN DO. And, if you have one more negative thought while you read the rest of this letter...

I Won't Let You Come
To My October Seminar!

Oh wait! I just looked at the clock and it's "Question and Answer Time":

What's the moral here? Think for a moment: It was Mr. IG who was doing everything truly important. No-Life and "Doll" were just doing high-level CLERICAL work.

And, so it is with private companies. Who is more valuable: The guy who writes a great sales letter for you... or... the person who typesets and prints it... or... the person who puts it on the Internet for you?

Get Your Priorities Right!

It's The Guy Who
Creates The Killer Sales Messages
For You Who Is More Important
Than A Million Geeks!

And, if you come to my seminar, that guy is going to be YOU!

And, to be fair, I want to weasel out just a bit about how a salesman is infinitely more valuable than a geek. That's only about 99.9999% true. There are some (you can count them on one hand) exceptions. Imagine this: Imagine a person who has an IQ of 178. Imagine that person is 31-years old. Now, imagine that person has been on a computer for 12 to 18-hours per day since the age of 12. Even at the low end of only 12-hours per day, we've got someone who has spent...

83,220 INTELLIGENT Hours
On A Computer!

By the way, that's FOUR MILLION, NINE HUNDRED NINETY-THREE THOUSAND AND TWO HUNDRED MINUTES this person has spent using a computer intelligently!

And, guess what else? This person can explain... in simple ABC fashion... everything this mega-geek has learned... to a complete computer novice! Modestly, I want to say...

This Person Is To Computers
What I Am To Copywriting!

Imagine someone who knows their shit 100% cold... and... just like me... can explain it entertainingly and understandably and SIMPLY to others. This person is MY webmaster. The webmaster I have been looking for for years!

This person is going to be (besides me) the main speaker at my seminar.

Do you know what an algorithm is? According to the Oxford American Dictionary, it is: "A process of rules for calculating something, especially by machine." And, in today's world, just as you would probably expect, 99% of the machines which create algorithms are...

Computers!

Are you familiar with the words "search engine optimization"? How about "keyword density"? Here's the scoop: A website "expert" tells you the top words searched for in search engines. They tell you by putting those top-searched-for-words in your website, you can get in the top ten results.

Let's say you wanted to be the number one site that pops up when someone types the word "marbles" into a search engine. And suppose you didn't particularly care if you sold or told anything about marbles. You just wanted to be number one in the results when someone typed "marbles" into their search engine. In that case, it would seem your website should be named...

www.Marbles.com

and, the site should read...

You'd think the search engine would decide you would be the number one site a person should go to if they wanted info about marbles, wouldn't you?

Not so. Because search engines use an algorithm to determine what the most relevant website would be for a person who typed the word "marbles" into their search engine. For every x number of words of copy on your website, if one of those words is not "marbles", you will not come up in the top ten of search engine results. However, if the word "marbles" comes up too often, the clever algorithm which is EL JEFFE (the boss) of the search engine, will tell the search engine your website is a spam site and, it won't come up in the results at all.

Or maybe it will come up as 167,819 out of the 167,820 total results which come up when you type in "marbles".

Keyword density is how often "marbles" comes up in your website content. Not often enough and your website will be disregarded. Comes up too often and your website will be considered a "spam site" and not come up at all... or... come up so far down the list, nobody would ever get to it. And...

The Algorithm
Changes Every Month!

My webmaster who will be speaking at my seminar, will explain how all this works. And, explain it in... plain English... so even people like YOU will be able to understand it.

And, of course, even people like me.

That's just one of the many "tricks" of "search engine optimization" my webmaster knows about and will explain to you.

Hey, I was just wondering: Did YOUR Internet/website guru neglect to tell YOU about all this?

There's no doubt about it...

My Webmaster Is Smarter And
Tougher Than Your Webmaster!

I could tell you more. A lot more. But I'm getting tired of writing this letter so, let's wrap it up. I did a previous seminar on how to make website profits in June of 2001 and, every attendee had to pay...

A Staggering $11,970!

This seminar is going to be much cheaper. I'm going to charge only half of what I charged last time. That's $5,985. Plus, you can bring two additional guests... absolutely free!

But, you have to sign up fast... and... you HAVE to stay at the hotel where the seminar is being held. Here's a tip: DON'T bring anyone with you like your spouse or someone not intensely involved with this business.

Al Gore may have invented the Internet... but... it was ME who supercharged it with my June 2001 seminar. And, my next seminar is going to put website profits on steroids! You know what? There were only about 8,000,000 websites when I gave that previous seminar and now, there are nearly 2,000,000 more websites...

Many Of Which Are
Financially Profitable!

And, you know what? I would guess about 50 times as many of those new two million websites are profitable... compared... to the percentage which were profitable of the 8,000,000 websites that existed before my 2001 seminar.

Thanks once again to the efforts of modest ol' me.

Now, you better pay attention: The biggest threat to the profits of your website business (or any other direct response business) is...

Problems With Your Merchant Account!

You know what a merchant account is, don't you? That's the account which processes all your credit card orders. A good (for real) merchant account is almost impossible to get. Plus, they will cut off your ability to process credit card orders for any reason they can think of. And, since the insane Patriot Act came into existence, they will cut off your ability to process credit card orders...

For No Sane Reason Whatsoever!

I live mostly in Costa Rica now and, there are more Internet gambling websites (1,000% more) here than any place else in the world. Online betting is legal here. A short time ago (out of blatant stupidity) the U.S. government tried to shut down all these Costa Rican online gambling websites by twisting the arms of ALL banks (both U.S.A. and foreign) NOT to process any more online gambling transactions.

However, according to a front-page article in USA Today (Friday, August 22, 2003) a guy named Sinclair (president of Maine-based Christianson Capital Advisors, a gambling consultant company which tracks Internet wagering)...

You need to know how they (and you) can do this. It's so clever, you won't believe it. And, you better learn how it's done right now!

And, guess what? One of my guest speakers is a man who probably knows more about Internet gambling... and... how to process credit card gambling debt... than any person you are likely to meet ANYWHERE outside one of my seminars. And, he is going to teach my attendees...

How To 100% Avoid
Merchant Account Nightmares!

And, you'll never know his name unless you attend my seminar... because...

This Seminar Will Not
Be Videotaped Or Audiotaped!

You can't tape it with your own tape recording device either... because... you won't be allowed to bring a tape recorder or a video recorder into the seminar. You can try and "sneak" one into the seminar but, if you do... a real honest to God FBI agent...

Will Catch You, Throw You
Out Of The Seminar, And Give
What You Paid As Tuition To Charity!

This is one seminar, if you want the real inside info on making HUGE website profits...

You Gotta Attend!

And, if you are interested, you better get your ass in gear right now. There are only two ways to order. One is to make out your check in the amount of $5,985 made payable to "New Millennium" and send it to:

By the way, if you prefer to order by credit card, you now have to give us (in addition to all the other information) the "security code" the Government now forces us to get from you. Here's how you find that bullshit "security code": If you use American Express, look at the front of your card. See your 15-digit card number? Right above that are four numbers which are your "security code" numbers which we now have to have in order to process your credit card order.

Using VISA? Look on the back of your card: You see your signature panel there? Well, part of the number of your VISA card is back there too... plus... it is followed by three additional numbers. Those three numbers are your "security code" which we need to process your order.

MasterCard? It's exactly the same as VISA.

So, if you prefer to order by credit card, all you have to do is call the voicemail at the number below (you can call anytime, 7-days per week, 24-hours a day)... and... you will hear me say, "Hi, this is Gary and thanks for calling to sign up for my October Website Seminar. Please leave the name of your credit card and the card number along with that new security code. Give us your name and address exactly as it appears on your credit card and credit card statement. We will bill your card $5,985.00 which gives you the right to attend the seminar and bring two other people at no extra cost. Leave your email address and we will immediately send you the name, address and other details about the seminar hotel. Please speak slowly and clearly and spell out any unusual words. Thanks again for calling. Here's the beep."

OK, after you hear that message, do just like it says and you'll get an immediate e-mail with the name and location of the seminar hotel and a few other details you might want to know.

The number to call is...

	Sincerely,
	Gary C. Halbert (with some help from Al Gore) "Internet Pioneers"

Copyright © 2003 Gary C. Halbert.  All Rights Reserved.